F.O.R.G.O.T

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It has recently come to my attention that there is a secret society that exists in the US that we all should be made aware of. Its sole purpose is to cause confusion and chaos in an attempt to rob us of our sanity.

They speak not a word, yet their actions speak volumes. Yes, their very actions can send even the calmest and laid back person into an uncontrollable rage and even to the brink of insanity.

These evil doers are known to society as of the Fraternal Order of Righteous and Grand Oblivious Turners or F.O.R.G.O.T.

They can be noticed a mile away (depending on traffic, weather and cleanliness of your windshield). They are the ones who never turn off their blinker.

These men and women find pleasure in making their victims believe one thing is going to happen while secretly planning to do just the opposite.

They use their one weapon, the blinker, with such skill and cunning that even the most accomplished high performance race car drivers cannot avoid their traps.

You need only be driving down the road minding your own business.

Out of nowhere you will notice a car driving in the lane to the right of you. They are enough ahead of you that you can see their right blinker is on as if the direction they want to go is to the right somewhere in the near future.

Assuming they are about to merge or turn right you pay them little attention. After all, the right blinker is flashing away like a wicked strobe light from a 70’s disco club and you are to their left.

Just then, they whip in front of you with no warning.

You first hit your breaks to avoid collision and then double check to make sure the smell you now notice is from the week old tuna sandwich which your child left under the seat or perhaps an odor that was emitted from you the very second your body tightened up to brace for the impact you just avoided.

“You really bad driver” you shout, hurting the eardrums of the coworkers riding with you causing them to stop concentrating on where the rotten tuna smell is coming from in your vehicle and start concentrating on whether or not the preexisting tuna smell is covering up the smell they too emitted when they tensed up in expectation of impact .

“You really bad driver” is but one phrase that you could use to express your opinion of the driver’s ability though there are several others that have been recorded throughout the years.

Over the next mile or so, you realize that the driver of the vehicle in front of you has not turned off his or her right signal indicator.

You also realize that he or she has had several opportunities by this time to merge or turn right as their blinker indicates, but they instead remain constantly in front of you.

Your blood begins to boil as you turn your cruise control off because the once constant set speed is no longer attainable due to the ridiculous fluctuations in speed (anywhere from 35 to 66mph) of the car in front of you that is quickly becoming a thorn in your side.

The next 5 miles are miserable as you are forced to look at the steadily blinking turn signal as it seems to yell out “prepare for me to veer right, I’m going to turn right, I need to turn right, right…” but never does.

Only once you’ve reached a mental state that would be found worthy of an overnight stay at a mental institution do you decide to make your move.

At the first opportunity, you merge into the right hand lane.

There is just enough space to get past the annoying vehicle and you break free. As you pass you express to the driver how disappointed you are in their driving style, either verbally, via an ever so slight bump on the hooter or by using the international hand symbol for “you’re a bad driver” that you learned from your uncle while looking for a parking place at a college football game in 1981.

This is when they typically begin what is known as “The Big Act”. They act as if they are surprised, even frightened by your accusations and slow down as if to escape a deranged mad man.

The looks on their faces are priceless.

They honestly appear afraid of you and pretend that the whole ritual they just put you through was not intentional at all and that you are the aggressor not them.

They now execute to perfection their escape by pretending to be so afraid of you and the things you’ve been uncontrollably shouting at them that all they want to do is put more cars between you and them.

The blinker is now being used properly in an effort to exit stage right, or in this case exit from the road to the right as soon as possible, probably to go plan their next attack on some poor unsuspecting victim.

You have just come in contact with a member of F.O.R.G.O.T.

These tactics have been used since the Fraternal Order of the Righteous and Grand Old Turners was established in the early 1900’s by small town farmers and ranchers who thought farm to market roads were created specifically for them, and that “city folk” should stay off.

The initial members of F.O.R.G.O.T. soon learned that their wives could cause just as much, if not more, frustration and confusion and women were soon allowed into the Fraternal Order of Righteous and Grand Oblivious Turners.

Let this be a warning. The next time you see a car ahead of you and its blinker does not turn off (left, right doesn’t matter), find an alternate path to your destination. It might very well save your sanity.

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